When It’s Someone You Know

5 Red Flags Your Partner Could Be Creating or Sharing Nonconsensual Images of You

Content note: This post discusses image-based sexual abuse, surveillance, and coercive control by an intimate partner. If you are in immediate danger, call 911 (U.S.) or your local emergency number.

“What if it’s someone you love. A friend. A partner. A family member even.”

Most of the warnings about sharing real or fake (like AI) images focus on strangers: hackers, scammers, or just someone you literally have never met. That is real for many survivors. But, for many more, it’s someone they love or loved. It’s like slowly, as they live inside the abuse, they start to lose sight of what is real, what is abuse, and what really is or isn’t okay. If that is you, this is for you.

Years ago, I was dating a man who offered to take care of my pets while I traveled for work. I was so grateful. What I did not know was that he installed a video recording device in my kitchen. A few months later, I was in my kitchen and saw a tiny, weird light. As I got a stool and climbed up to look above the refrigerator, I found the device.

I immediately called my boyfriend because I had no idea it was him who had done this. He casually admitted that he had put the recording device there to see how my pets were doing. He swore he did not save any images of me coming and going during the months that he had a recording device in my home. I didn’t believe him. I was in shock.

When I think back, there were other signs he was controlling. Looking at my phone, wanting sexual images of me that I did not consent to giving, making jokes about my past experiences as a survivor. Even saying, when I refused intimacy, that I was just reacting to his advances negatively because I had experienced sexual assault.

To this day, I do not know if he still has images of me or what I can do about it if he does. But I have identified five key patterns that may be worth paying attention to. Of course, they may not prove anything on their own. They are just worth noting, and if any of these sound familiar or things are getting more heated, it may be time to start documenting. It may be time to ask for help.

### 1. They pressure or guilt you into sending or posing for intimate images

“If you loved me, you’d send it.” “Why don’t you trust me?” Framing a no as a relationship problem is a control tactic, not intimacy. Consent given under pressure, guilt, or fear isn’t full consent, and it doesn’t extend to what happens to that image later.

### 2. You find evidence of secret recording

Photos or videos of you undressing, asleep, or during sex that you never agreed to. An unexplained screen recording from a video call. A camera angle or app open that doesn’t add up. Trust the discomfort even before you have proof. It’s common for survivors to notice something is off long before they can point to exactly what. They might say it’s because they find you so hot or that they want the images for when you are not around. There is no justification for this.

### 3. They control access to your devices and accounts, but they keep theirs private

Insisting on your phone passcode, your cloud login, or your social accounts, while keeping their own locked or off-limits, is a one-way surveillance arrangement, not a trust exercise. Watch for photos of you that have been downloaded, backed up, or shared to another device without your knowledge.

### 4. They use images as leverage, even as a “joke”

“I’ll post that if you leave.” “Careful, I still have those photos.” Said once, in anger, this can be dismissed as a bad moment. Said more than once, or paired with real anger about you leaving, talking to friends or family, or ending the relationship, it’s a threat. Image-based abuse is illegal in nearly every U.S. state whether or not it’s ever carried out.

### 5. Unusual interest in AI photo, “nudify,” or deepfake tools

Apps or sites for face-swapping, “nudifying,” or AI image generation, especially paired with jokes about making fake images of you or people you know, are worth taking seriously. So is finding an AI-altered image of yourself you didn’t make, or a comment that suggests your photos have been shown or discussed with someone else.

None of these need to add up to certainty before you act

You don’t have to prove intent to take a red flag seriously, and you don’t have to leave immediately to start protecting yourself.

A few concrete next steps:

- Start documenting quietly: screenshots, dates, and anything said about images or recordings, stored somewhere the partner can’t access. - Talk to someone before you confront them directly: a friend, a family member, or an advocate. Confrontation can accelerate risk if coercive control is already in play. - Reach out to a domestic violence or sexual assault advocate to build a safety plan specific to a partner who already has access to your devices, accounts, and routines. The Hotline (1-800-799-7233) does this every day, for free and confidentially. - If you’re ready, the Digital Identity Foundation can help: talk to an advocate at thedigitalidentityfoundation.org/get-support, free and confidential.

If you’re reading this for someone else

Believe them without asking why they took or shared the images in the first place. Don’t confront the partner yourself. That can put the survivor at greater risk. Help them document, and point them toward an advocate rather than trying to solve it alone.

Not legal advice. Laws vary by state and by country. If you are in immediate danger, call 911 (U.S.) or your local emergency number.

Andrea Powell Executive Director, Digital Identity Foundation